Truth Is...

I AM my own worst critic! I guess sometimes my blog posts can somewhat lead my readers (that do not know me personally) to believe that I used to be this terrible person. I am always commenting about how far God has brought me. When really I was mostly just a naive and immature girl who made some really poor decisions, which resulted in my current circumstances. I suppose when I compare myself to some of my peers (which I avoid doing), I really wasn't that bad. But of course I was, and still am, far from perfect. What's funny is... before I developed a relationship with God, I was so concerned about making my life seem as if everything was perfect... that I had it all together. But now that I know God and have a relationship with Him, I'm acutely aware and not ashamed of how imperfect I am. I will always be the first to admit that I don't have it all together. God is continuously working on me, which is a good thing. I always say and truly believe that no other human being will ever judge me harsher than I, at one time, judged myself. My grandmother had her first child at the age of 16 and my mother had me at the age of 16. Still, I never... NEVER thought that I would have my first child at age 20 and have a total of three children before even being married. I am aware that to some people this is not so much of a big deal. But to me... it's huge! As a young girl, I knew perfectly in my mind how my life was suppose to play out. However, my actions did not coincide with my ideal thoughts. The bottom line is, things just don't happen the right way or the way we want them to... we actually have to be wise in our decision making and choose the right choices. We should never have an "It can never happen to me" attitude about anything (as I once did) because it can and will happen to us if we are careless.

The caption of this blog is a scripture that suggests that sorrow is not a bad thing and is better than laughter. This doesn't mean that I believe people should be sorrowful and I certainly don't want them to be. Anyone who knows me knows how much I LOVE to laugh, and I laugh... a lot! I only want people to understand that sorrow has the potential to be the best thing that could ever happen to us. And since we all face it at some point in our lives we need to utilize the time wisely. Without sadness, many of us would never turn to God... and He knows this. When we are weak, He is strong. I believe God takes pleasure in showing us how mighty He is... especially when the enemy is trying so hard to make us focus on our weaknesses. Because I continuously turned to God in the midst of my mess, I can honestly say that I have reached a constant point of joy, peace, and love in my life... It surpasses all understanding. And I'm still growing. But ONLY because of the grace, mercy, and love that God gives to me every second of every day. Although my circumstances have not always been easy, I am very blessed to have three beautiful and healthy children who have great fathers that help me (physically and financially) without a moments pause. We have terrific relationships and I don't have to deal with the so-called "drama" that so many single mothers and fathers have to deal with. It's really quite amazing how God has blessed me in spite of my foolishness. I am forever grateful for the good times and even more grateful for all the bad times.

I once was lost...

I was speaking on the phone to a guy friend who I've known for a lil while. As we were casually talking he asked me if I ever wanted to get married (not meaning to him). After I told him yes, he felt inclined to inform me of the one reason why I was not yet married. He said, "Don't get mad at me for saying this... but there is only one thing that is keeping you from getting married. The fact that all of your kids have different fathers does not look good... that scares men away." I really appreciated him giving me his honest opinion (although I did not ask for it) but I quickly let him know, in a calm cool manner, that he was way off the mark. I first told him that I am single because I choose to be... NOT because I have to be. I also let him know that I understood his perspective and I agreed that it probably is a major turn off for most men. I mean... if I was a man, it would definitely send up a red flag for me. After that, I told him that any man who let that be the sole reason for not wanting to commit, is not the man for me anyway... so it's no big deal. After all, I want the one who loves me unconditionally. So anyone who cannot love me AND my children (for whatever reason) can keep it moving. All he could say in response was, "Yeah, you're right."

What he didn't know is that there once was a time when I spent my days and nights being mortified because I had believed the very words that he had said to me. It took me a ton of praying, soul-searching, etc. to get past it. I would not even speak the words "my kids have different dads" and would cringe at just the thought of someone else reminding me of my circumstances. I've come a long way since then. God has shown me countless times how valuable I am... How worthy I am. NOT because I am such a great person, but because I am His child and He loves me more than my mind can conceive. Now that I know my worth, I sometimes forget about the negative light which my circumstances can cast on those who don't know anything about me. Nevertheless, my friend sure gave me a reminder.

As we continued our conversation we moved onto other subjects and I kind of forgot about what he had said. However, about 1o minutes after hanging up the phone, his words suddenly came back to me and I could not hold back the tears. I cried. BUT it was a good cry. So many thoughts of how far God has brought me, overwhelmed me with emotion. I vividly remembered how I was once so tortured by the truth that my children had different fathers. It literally haunted me! I went through so much to overcome that shame, with a smile on my face while dying inside. Sadly, no one knew the anguish I felt... it was a lonely time. Then, I realized how that truth no longer had control over me and it was no longer able to kill my hope. I cried even more.

I wiped my tears after continuously thanking God and it was apparent at that moment that although God has healed me, I will never forget the pain I went through. The best way to describe it is to compare it to a C-Section scar. I have never had one but everyone that I talk to who has had one says that after their incision heals (even years after), the area still feels tender... different. That perfectly describes my situation. Now, I can't help but think... God delivered me from my shame... by C-section! God has closed up the wound. I'm all healed now (by His stripes) and the scarring is minimal. But when that area of my life is touched (as my friend touched it with his words), it feels tender and I know... I remember, that there was once an open wound there. It doesn't hurt any more... I don't even feel it... unless it's touched. I am very grateful for the reminder. I suppose I need it every now again to ensure that I NEVER forget what God has done in my life.

Thank You Lord...

I always pray for God to help me to be grateful and appreciate the good in my life because I never want something to be taken away from me before I realize what a blessing it is. I guess that's why I'm always aware of what a blessing it is to have good health and to have my children be in good health. My heart sincerely goes out to those who have poor health conditions. People with good health can never truly understand what it's like to deal with a life of sickness... we can only imagine. And there's nothing on this Earth that humbles me more than trying to imagine. It makes me feel so ridiculous to complain about anything... and it should! Some of my most sincere prayers are the ones I say when asking for the comfort and healing of the people I know who are sick. And then I always thank God from the bottom of my heart that neither I, nor my children have to suffer that way. I know God only gives us what we can bare but I am sure I'm too weak of a person to carry the burden of having a sick child or losing a child. Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that it could happen at any time... but my mind just won't let me conceive it. When it comes to that type of sorrow, I am without a doubt at a loss for words.
I know more than enough people who have poor health and my hope will always be for the healing of their bodies. I wish that no one had to suffer that way but we all have giants in our lives that we have to face at some point. True... some people face bigger giants than others. But the bigger the giants, the harder they fall.

Meant For Our Good

It can be extremely difficult to have faith through tough times. Even when God has revealed something to you and you know without a doubt that it will come to pass, there will still be times when doubt rears it's ugly head. Why? Because the enemy never passes up a chance to cause chaos and confusion in our lives. He wants to destroy the faith we have in God. But we HAVE to KNOW that God will ALWAYS do what He says He will do. It doesn't matter how things may look in our eyes... He's always working behind the scene on our behalf. Although I know and believe this with every fiber of my being, I still have times when I get beyond discouraged. I loathe the discouragement but I can appreciate it at the same time because our faith cannot be strengthened if it's never tested. Faith is what turns heartbreak into heartmake. No matter what we may face in this sometimes cruel life, there has to be something inside of us that motivates us to persevere. Whenever I feel down, worried, stressed, or just plain tired, I try to remember this... God created this world. He keeps the sun, moon, and stars in place and He keeps the Earth spinning. If He can do all that, surely He can handle anything that I may be dealing with... and He will. That's called putting things into perspective. We should never let our problems get bigger than God... just have faith that He's got it (even when it doesn't seem like it).

Been there, done that...

So after a healthy dose of soul searching, I came up with the conclusion... I am me. I love me... just the way I am. I'm not perfect, but even my imperfections make ME, me. I think God will, at times, bring people into our lives who will cause us to evaluate (or reevaluate) who we are as individuals. I had someone tell me that they didn't understand me and made it seem as if I was this tough puzzle to be solved. I almost believed it. Because this one person (who meant so much to me) couldn't figure me out, I started trying to figure out who I was so I could help that person understand. The only problem... I already knew who I was! I had figured it out years ago. But still I felt like something must be wrong with me because this person didn't understand me... until I snapped out of it! I had an "aha" moment and realized that I'm not meant to be understood by everyone. And it doesn't necessarily mean that something is wrong with me when I am misunderstood... it could possibly mean that something is wrong with whoever misunderstands. OR simply that the person is not meant to be a part of my life. Whatever the case may be, I believe everyone comes into your life for a reason (no matter how long they stay). It's up to us individually to figure out what that reason is. I can never change my personality so the people who have a problem with it or who don't understand it are going to have to take that up with God, I guess. My character I do have the power to change and I work on improving it everyday. I don't have the best character, but I know it's good. Therefore, I will never again let someone lead me to believe that I need to "figure me out" because they can't figure me out.

Just shut up and write!

I'm always trying to come up with an excuse to delete this blog (other than the obvious "putting my life out there for everyone to see" excuse). But as I've said in the past, something always stops me and I say to myself, "But my words may help someone." I don't know for sure that they will, but just the potential is enough to keep myself in this vulnerable position. Anyone on this planet who has access to a computer (that's A LOT of people) can read about me. And it's not necessarily good stuff about me. I'm constantly afraid that I'm not a good enough writer, that I won't make sense to people, or that no one will be able to relate. There are a great deal of things that I share which I would rather not. But then I get reminded that it's not about me. If there's any chance that this blog could positively affect the life of at least one person, then all the discomfort and humility that I sometimes feel is well worth it. Besides, I strongly believe we should use the experiences of the challenges we have overcome in life to help someone else who is facing similar challenges to overcome. If I don't take the knowledge which I've gained thus far and try to help at least one person, then all of my heartache, disappointment, tears, etc., were in vain. All of my struggles would be rendered pointless. With all that being said, I must let it be known that my key motivation for writing this blog (now and forever), is to give glory to God. I'm so grateful for His grace, mercy, and love!! I HAVE to give God His props and I have no reservations about sharing God's goodness... I want the world to know! I can reach far more people with heartmake.com than I ever could without it. That's what life is all about anyway... giving God His glory. And THAT, I can do without a moment's pause. Therefore, I tell myself...

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His Passion

I have heard people say, "true love doesn't hurt." Heck, I believe I've even said it in a previous post. Well, I've come to learn... true love can and does hurt sometimes. If you disagree, just ask Jesus. He suffered and died because He loves us so much. He didn't have to do it, we were not even worth it, but it was love. The truth is, even with the most sincerest love, we're going to be hurt at times when dealing with human beings. We are all imperfect so it's inevitable. The key to getting through the pain is our passion to love. PASSion will get you through anything! PASSion is pretty much unstoppable. When I think about how much passion it took for Jesus to die on the cross for my (someone who is not even worthy) sins, it's incomparable to anything in this world. So love does hurt (although Jesus suffered physical pain, I'm referring to emotional pain ONLY)... but love never fails! Just have the PASSion to get past the pain.

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~Sorrow Knows No Name

Everyone will face grief at some point in life... there is no way around it. Some will have more than others but no one is immune. Rich, poor, old, young, black, white, purple, or green... whether you're the garbage man who collects garbage everyday, or you're the president of the United States... sorrow will eventually be knocking at your front door. And it does not wait for you to answer, it will let itself inside every time. Nevertheless, the sorrow we deal with in life can be either good, or bad... it all depends on how we respond to it. Grief can act as a catalyst to an intimate relationship with God. In this case, sorrow is good. But too much time spent being sorrowful can break one's spirit. Once the spirit is broken, reaching out to God becomes almost impossible. Although there is no time limit for how long we should or will feel sadness (it's different for everyone), we must know for ourselves when enough is enough. The enemy will try all kinds of things to keep us wallowing in our grief but we can choose to let God take our ashes and make something beautiful... we need only ask. So if you're reading this and your heart is broken, it's perfectly okay and normal to feel sad. But KNOW it's only for a season. God does not want or intend for us to be sad forever. This too shall pass... but only if you let it.

Now I Know...

While writing every blog post before this one... I thought that I had experienced a broken heart. I was wrong! So much so, that I'm even thinking about deleting this blog. Heartache will bring you to your knees... But a broken heart makes the act of praying seem impossible. Heartache you can survive... But some do not survive a broken heart. I have to pray on this. My eyes have been opened.