Truth Is...

I AM my own worst critic! I guess sometimes my blog posts can somewhat lead my readers (that do not know me personally) to believe that I used to be this terrible person. I am always commenting about how far God has brought me. When really I was mostly just a naive and immature girl who made some really poor decisions, which resulted in my current circumstances. I suppose when I compare myself to some of my peers (which I avoid doing), I really wasn't that bad. But of course I was, and still am, far from perfect. What's funny is... before I developed a relationship with God, I was so concerned about making my life seem as if everything was perfect... that I had it all together. But now that I know God and have a relationship with Him, I'm acutely aware and not ashamed of how imperfect I am. I will always be the first to admit that I don't have it all together. God is continuously working on me, which is a good thing. I always say and truly believe that no other human being will ever judge me harsher than I, at one time, judged myself. My grandmother had her first child at the age of 16 and my mother had me at the age of 16. Still, I never... NEVER thought that I would have my first child at age 20 and have a total of three children before even being married. I am aware that to some people this is not so much of a big deal. But to me... it's huge! As a young girl, I knew perfectly in my mind how my life was suppose to play out. However, my actions did not coincide with my ideal thoughts. The bottom line is, things just don't happen the right way or the way we want them to... we actually have to be wise in our decision making and choose the right choices. We should never have an "It can never happen to me" attitude about anything (as I once did) because it can and will happen to us if we are careless.

The caption of this blog is a scripture that suggests that sorrow is not a bad thing and is better than laughter. This doesn't mean that I believe people should be sorrowful and I certainly don't want them to be. Anyone who knows me knows how much I LOVE to laugh, and I laugh... a lot! I only want people to understand that sorrow has the potential to be the best thing that could ever happen to us. And since we all face it at some point in our lives we need to utilize the time wisely. Without sadness, many of us would never turn to God... and He knows this. When we are weak, He is strong. I believe God takes pleasure in showing us how mighty He is... especially when the enemy is trying so hard to make us focus on our weaknesses. Because I continuously turned to God in the midst of my mess, I can honestly say that I have reached a constant point of joy, peace, and love in my life... It surpasses all understanding. And I'm still growing. But ONLY because of the grace, mercy, and love that God gives to me every second of every day. Although my circumstances have not always been easy, I am very blessed to have three beautiful and healthy children who have great fathers that help me (physically and financially) without a moments pause. We have terrific relationships and I don't have to deal with the so-called "drama" that so many single mothers and fathers have to deal with. It's really quite amazing how God has blessed me in spite of my foolishness. I am forever grateful for the good times and even more grateful for all the bad times.

I once was lost...

I was speaking on the phone to a guy friend who I've known for a lil while. As we were casually talking he asked me if I ever wanted to get married (not meaning to him). After I told him yes, he felt inclined to inform me of the one reason why I was not yet married. He said, "Don't get mad at me for saying this... but there is only one thing that is keeping you from getting married. The fact that all of your kids have different fathers does not look good... that scares men away." I really appreciated him giving me his honest opinion (although I did not ask for it) but I quickly let him know, in a calm cool manner, that he was way off the mark. I first told him that I am single because I choose to be... NOT because I have to be. I also let him know that I understood his perspective and I agreed that it probably is a major turn off for most men. I mean... if I was a man, it would definitely send up a red flag for me. After that, I told him that any man who let that be the sole reason for not wanting to commit, is not the man for me anyway... so it's no big deal. After all, I want the one who loves me unconditionally. So anyone who cannot love me AND my children (for whatever reason) can keep it moving. All he could say in response was, "Yeah, you're right."

What he didn't know is that there once was a time when I spent my days and nights being mortified because I had believed the very words that he had said to me. It took me a ton of praying, soul-searching, etc. to get past it. I would not even speak the words "my kids have different dads" and would cringe at just the thought of someone else reminding me of my circumstances. I've come a long way since then. God has shown me countless times how valuable I am... How worthy I am. NOT because I am such a great person, but because I am His child and He loves me more than my mind can conceive. Now that I know my worth, I sometimes forget about the negative light which my circumstances can cast on those who don't know anything about me. Nevertheless, my friend sure gave me a reminder.

As we continued our conversation we moved onto other subjects and I kind of forgot about what he had said. However, about 1o minutes after hanging up the phone, his words suddenly came back to me and I could not hold back the tears. I cried. BUT it was a good cry. So many thoughts of how far God has brought me, overwhelmed me with emotion. I vividly remembered how I was once so tortured by the truth that my children had different fathers. It literally haunted me! I went through so much to overcome that shame, with a smile on my face while dying inside. Sadly, no one knew the anguish I felt... it was a lonely time. Then, I realized how that truth no longer had control over me and it was no longer able to kill my hope. I cried even more.

I wiped my tears after continuously thanking God and it was apparent at that moment that although God has healed me, I will never forget the pain I went through. The best way to describe it is to compare it to a C-Section scar. I have never had one but everyone that I talk to who has had one says that after their incision heals (even years after), the area still feels tender... different. That perfectly describes my situation. Now, I can't help but think... God delivered me from my shame... by C-section! God has closed up the wound. I'm all healed now (by His stripes) and the scarring is minimal. But when that area of my life is touched (as my friend touched it with his words), it feels tender and I know... I remember, that there was once an open wound there. It doesn't hurt any more... I don't even feel it... unless it's touched. I am very grateful for the reminder. I suppose I need it every now again to ensure that I NEVER forget what God has done in my life.