I once was lost...

I was speaking on the phone to a guy friend who I've known for a lil while. As we were casually talking he asked me if I ever wanted to get married (not meaning to him). After I told him yes, he felt inclined to inform me of the one reason why I was not yet married. He said, "Don't get mad at me for saying this... but there is only one thing that is keeping you from getting married. The fact that all of your kids have different fathers does not look good... that scares men away." I really appreciated him giving me his honest opinion (although I did not ask for it) but I quickly let him know, in a calm cool manner, that he was way off the mark. I first told him that I am single because I choose to be... NOT because I have to be. I also let him know that I understood his perspective and I agreed that it probably is a major turn off for most men. I mean... if I was a man, it would definitely send up a red flag for me. After that, I told him that any man who let that be the sole reason for not wanting to commit, is not the man for me anyway... so it's no big deal. After all, I want the one who loves me unconditionally. So anyone who cannot love me AND my children (for whatever reason) can keep it moving. All he could say in response was, "Yeah, you're right."

What he didn't know is that there once was a time when I spent my days and nights being mortified because I had believed the very words that he had said to me. It took me a ton of praying, soul-searching, etc. to get past it. I would not even speak the words "my kids have different dads" and would cringe at just the thought of someone else reminding me of my circumstances. I've come a long way since then. God has shown me countless times how valuable I am... How worthy I am. NOT because I am such a great person, but because I am His child and He loves me more than my mind can conceive. Now that I know my worth, I sometimes forget about the negative light which my circumstances can cast on those who don't know anything about me. Nevertheless, my friend sure gave me a reminder.

As we continued our conversation we moved onto other subjects and I kind of forgot about what he had said. However, about 1o minutes after hanging up the phone, his words suddenly came back to me and I could not hold back the tears. I cried. BUT it was a good cry. So many thoughts of how far God has brought me, overwhelmed me with emotion. I vividly remembered how I was once so tortured by the truth that my children had different fathers. It literally haunted me! I went through so much to overcome that shame, with a smile on my face while dying inside. Sadly, no one knew the anguish I felt... it was a lonely time. Then, I realized how that truth no longer had control over me and it was no longer able to kill my hope. I cried even more.

I wiped my tears after continuously thanking God and it was apparent at that moment that although God has healed me, I will never forget the pain I went through. The best way to describe it is to compare it to a C-Section scar. I have never had one but everyone that I talk to who has had one says that after their incision heals (even years after), the area still feels tender... different. That perfectly describes my situation. Now, I can't help but think... God delivered me from my shame... by C-section! God has closed up the wound. I'm all healed now (by His stripes) and the scarring is minimal. But when that area of my life is touched (as my friend touched it with his words), it feels tender and I know... I remember, that there was once an open wound there. It doesn't hurt any more... I don't even feel it... unless it's touched. I am very grateful for the reminder. I suppose I need it every now again to ensure that I NEVER forget what God has done in my life.