My Wake Up Call...Part 2

I had been waiting for the "end of the end" for quite some time. Although I was pregnant, My relationship had ended months prior because of certain things which had transpired but I continued to hold on a little too long. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ended a relationship but then let it linger on hoping that "this time it might be different." I knew without a doubt that my relationship needed to be finished for good but the fact that I was pregnant caused me to yield and convince myself that the situation would work itself out. It was certainly devastating to hear those eight words, but at the same time those eight words saved me. In the blink of an eye, a gigantic weight was lifted off of me...I was free! I was free from making excuses for being in an unhealthy relationship...free from the thoughts of what "might" be...free from the torment of settling for unhappiness. After I hung up the phone (without a fight) I felt a million different emotions all at the same time but the greatest thing that I felt was closure. It seemed I had hit rock bottom but I was aware that the only place left for me to go was up, and that awareness kept me sane. At the time, I had no one to call, nowhere to escape, and since I was pregnant, I couldn't just smoke a pack of cigarettes or drink my problems away with alcohol. There was absolutely nothing I could do to pacify the pain...except pray.

I guess a small part of me felt rejection but that was the least of my problems. What hurt me more than anything was me. I couldn't believe how my life was playing out and I blamed myself for everything. The thought of my circumstances brought me more sorrow than the thought of being rejected. A relationship with that particular person was not what I truly wanted but I couldn't even fathom the idea that anybody worth having would want me and my circumstances OR that I could actually raise three children by myself. What frightened me more than anything was being alone...forever! I must say that God had me right where He needed me to be...broken-hearted, alone, and with nowhere else to turn. Little did I know, God was about to take me on a journey that would teach me that...1. I would never be alone, and 2. He wants the best for me so I should never settle for less.

My Wake Up Call...Part 1

My discerning nature told me it was "him" on the other end of the phone when it unexpectedly rang. Waiting desperately by the phone to see his name and number pop up on the caller ID had become my most frequent pastime which seemed like cruel and unusual punishment. "Hello?"...from the first words spoken and the tone of his voice, I somehow knew it was the end of the end. It was the conversation I had spent months trying to avoid. I poured so much time, effort, and energy trying to protect myself from the very words which would be spoken. In a split second I realized those words were about to come like the running water from a waterfall with no chance of being reversed. My heart quickly journeyed to the pit of my stomach with the news that something bad was about to happen. In return, my stomach immediately began to churn with whirlwind speed. Once my heart found it's way back to my chest, it proceeded to pound profusely as if sounding the alarm that danger was near. Each beat felt like a punch to the chest from a heavy weight fighter and I was left taking deep breaths but not getting enough air to let breathing be successful. I had no choice but to brace myself and face the inevitable...

"I don't love you anymore...I love her." That was all it took...those eight words, which seemed harmless when spoken individually, were said together to convey a message that meant devastation for me. Since I was 7 months pregnant with my third child, those words meant that I would have three children, by three different men, and would still be alone. That was a reality which I was NOT ready to face. But I had no choice. Those eight words immediately caused the churning in my stomach to cease and the pounding of my heart to stop. Though my heart was still present, it was shattered into pieces and in no condition to perform the act of beating me in my chest. When the physical activity that was taking place within my body came to a halt, numbness enveloped me. During the few minutes in which my body was in a numb state, I imagined it was being filled with water...like a gigantic pot being filled with water under the steady stream of water from a faucet. When there was no more room left to hold the constant flow of water which was filling me up, it began to flow at record speed from my eyes in the form of tears. The end of the end had arrived.

The Purpose

I once found myself on the ground...on my knees...with the unbearable pain of a broken heart. It was the PERFECT place for me to be at the time because I was experiencing heartache at it's finest. The pain forced me to throw in the towel and hand it over to God...I didn't see any other option. There are many people who know exactly how devastating a broken heart can be. However, heartbreak is one of the best things that has happened to me. A broken heart is what caused me to find the one thing that I was searching for...love! For God is love! The journey of love is one that lasts our whole lives. I constantly have to put forth the effort to love myself, other people, and most importantly, God.

I'm not an expert on how to prevent a broken heart but I believe that the heartache that I've endured and survived gives me all the credibility that I need to share my mind, heart, and soul with other's. It's NOT easy to let people in and show your vulnerabilities but I feel inspired to share my life...my trials...my lessons...and my unspeakable joy which has resulted from my discovery of TRUE love.

*Note: Although heartache can come in many forms and for many reasons, In this blog I will mainly be sharing my personal thoughts, opinions, and experiences concerning love and heartache when dealing with relationships. I should also say that I speak only for myself and not for all women.