Wow!

Yes I'm having one of those "Wow" moments that I so often have. I take a look around me and think, "How did I get here?!" I can flashback with no difficulty and see so vividly myself sitting on my bed... in my mother's house... two kids running around and one in the bassinet. No job... no prospects! Tears are in my eyes and guilt and shame have swallowed me whole... I couldn't feel any lower! A tiny part of me says, " Things will get better... this won't always be your life." I ignore that voice and wallow in my misery. At that moment, I couldn't even fathom that my life would turn out successful. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed... and only had an ounce of hope. I guess that's all it took. Every time I flashback to that memory it's surreal! I just can't believe how far God has brought me. Wow! That's all I can say.

...So Be Yourself!

I'm emotional at times... very sensitive... in my head way too much... analytical when I probably shouldn't be... and yes, the heart's located on my sleeve. My compassion can be irritating and I've had times when I wish I didn't care so much. "Why can't I just be normal?"... I use to ask myself. I always felt different from other females and for a long time, I saw it as a bad thing. Therefore, in relationships, I tried my best to be as "normal" as I could be but it never worked because I only knew how to be me. I finally realized, there is no "normal" and I may very well be different from other women, but I'm not the only woman who feels that way. Nonetheless, I can only be me! So if that means that this guy won't like me, or that person won't be my friend because of who I am... then that's what it means. It's not meant for us to be liked by every person (Jesus was perfect and even He was disliked). Surrounding ourselves with people who like and accept our personalities just as they are, is what's important. We can change our character, but not our personalities. If you have to alter your personality in any way to be accepted by someone, then guess what... it's not in the cards, so to speak. Whether we're talking about friendships or relationships, there are people who will like YOU, for you...

~Saying Goodbye

Most of us have heard the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all." Ummm, still not sure if I actually agree with this or not. There have been plenty of times when I would've begged to differ. It seems that NOT knowing what you're missing, is much better than knowing a love that has to be taken away. Nonetheless, I do believe that sorrow makes the heart good and I KNOW that I would not be as close to God as I am if it hadn't been for my sorrow. Still, I wouldn't wish a broken heart on my worst enemy. Especially when it comes to losing a loved one to death! I've never experienced grief to the fullest magnitude via death of a close family member... so I can only imagine. I did feel somewhat of a grievance when I lost my grandfather whom I wasn't that close to... even just a little taste of grief had me thinking, "how do people go through this and not believe in God?" The fact that someone could be here one day and gone the next, left me baffled. There has to be a God! Through the heartache of it all, there's great mystery! One that should not steer us away from our Creator, but draw us to Him. Surely I'm not the only person who can be in complete awe of God during the saddest time. The mystery of our Lord is mind-boggling and although the loss of a loved one is one of the most heart-wrenching times, we should try our best not to be self-absorbed with the pain that we feel, but think of how wonderful it is that the person we love has gone to meet the highest level of Magnificence.

Iron Sharpens Iron

I recently had to say goodbye to a longtime friend and I learned the hard way that sometimes in life, we just outgrow people... like an old favorite sweater that's too small or something. You don't really want to get rid of it, but really there's no point in keeping it around either. Outgrowing people who we care about is bittersweet! It's not easy saying goodbye to familiarity, but growing in life is always a good thing. No matter what... if someone is taking away from your life but barely adding to it, there needs to be some careful evaluation. All relationships, whether romantic, friendly, or family, need to have a good balance of give and take in order to be healthy and beneficial. I've struggled for a while with this because I don't want to just give up or walk away from friendships... that's just not me (or it wasn't me). But you just gotta know when to say when, even when it comes to friends.

An Open Book

There are times when I am utterly and completely uncomfortable with having this blog. I've asked myself often, "should I delete it?" I'm constantly trying to think of a legit reason to remove my life from the Internet for the world to see. But then I will talk to someone who is going through a difficult situation, and I decide against it. It's far more easier for me to just let someone read my testimony (I'm terrible at expressing myself when talking). Furthermore, I don't want to be like the man who buried his talent and did nothing with it. I believe if there is something we love to do (whether we're good at it or bad), we should use it to God's glory. So, I continue to put myself in this vulnerable state because in the grand scheme of things it's not about me... it's about fulfilling a purpose. I've never been a person who gets advice from people or talks to anyone about my problems. I take everything to God... I know He will never steer me wrong. On top of that, I was a very private person and not big on showing my weaknesses, therefore this blog contradicts how I perceive myself to be to the very core.

Since I never in a million years foreseen my life happening the way it has, overcoming shame is probably what I've struggled with the most. However, I've found transparency to be the remedy for the anguish of shame. Owning my mistakes, poor decisions, foolishness, and then realizing that they don't have to define me has diminished my feelings of shame. Now, I would be lying if I said that my circumstances never cause me to feel inadequate (I have my moments), but I just push right past those moments of insecurity and grasp onto the power of God. I'm not the best writer in the world but since I love to write, I use it as a vehicle to share with others how God has blessed me. I still have a thing for privacy and I only share what is necessary to make a point (at least I try to) but I've found that my transparency, as uncomfortable as it may be, is most healing.

Self Reflection

Years ago, someone told me that the best way to get over a guy is to get a new one. I now know that advice is the dumbest thing a person can do after a break-up (especially if it's a bad break-up). I haven't had a ton of relationships but if I found myself hurt after one ended, I would just find something (or someone) to distract me from the pain I was feeling instead of taking time to work on me. It's a vicious cycle that many get themselves into and mine began when my high school sweetheart and I started to go our separate ways. It wasn't a bad break-up but he was my first true love and the thought of not spending the rest of my life with him was devastating (that's teen love for ya haha). I couldn't imagine ever getting over him and I was too immature and naive to know any better. Therefore, I wasted no time finding a distraction.

When moving on, a distraction can be a good thing if it's a positive distraction. However, mine was not. Even though I didn't spend my life immediately beginning a new relationship when one ended, I wasn't using my single time properly. I gave more attention to trying to find "the one" than I gave to myself. But guess what....after my "wake up call", I woke up! A person needs time to heal from a failed relationship or the same issues (and even some new ones) will be carried into the next relationship. I declared that I would not start a new relationship until I was completely and utterly over the old one. I think it's important for people to learn and know how to be happy while single, so I took time out to date myself. I spent time getting to know me and loving me. I took myself on dates, gave myself compliments, I pampered myself...I treated myself how I wanted a man to treat me. It may sound silly but if you can't treat yourself well, how can you expect someone else to treat you well?! It quickly became apparent that I didn't need a relationship to be happy. I wanted a relationship...but I didn't need one. I had never been able to realize or admit that prior. I, surprisingly, became so happy with being single that I wanted to protect that happiness. No drama, no stress, and being concerned with only myself was a much easier life and I started to wonder if the work of a relationship was even worth it. **That was how my logical and sane brain was thinking but of course I know when love hits you, it hits you! And all logic and sanity goes right out the window and of course you absolutely feel like a relationship is worth all the work** Even so, I've attempted two relationships since I dated myself but each relationship had a VERY short shelf-life. I'm no longer willing to accept the unacceptable and I couldn't care less to move on if I'm, at all, unhappy. There's no need to settle for unhappiness in a relationship if I'm perfectly capable of being happy by myself. In my opinion...time for "self" is imperative and will make for better relationships.

It's not logic...it's love!

To forgive and forget is one of the hardest things to do and it seems foolish because it defies logic. Our human logic tells us that we should get revenge when someone wrongs us...we want them to suffer like we suffer. But we must take on the logic of God if we want to forgive and be free of the pain that someone has caused. Let's face it...forgiveness is a necessary element to turn heartbreak into heartmake. In some cases, the only person we need to forgive is our self. Forgiving myself for the bad choices I had made was, by far, the hardest thing I had to do. Since hindsight is always 20/20, I thought about all the things I could have done differently to prevent heartache. After my "wake up call", I beat myself up and blamed me for everything. But there was a brief period of time when I pointed the finger at the other person which gave an open window for anger and hatred to come into my spirit. It was a mind-boggling experience and I'm 1,000 times grateful that I wasn't destroyed by poisonous hate. For about a month or so after my pregnancy I was so angry. When I took the time to think of my circumstances and how my life had turned out, it made my blood boil. Inexplicably, each time my anger would reach that level, I would get an excruciating sharp pain in the center of my back that would drop me to the ground. It was as if someone was stabbing me with a knife and the pain was unbearable...to the point where I could only focus on the physical pain and not the emotional. That happened three times before I started to get the big picture and I decided I would no longer harbor feelings of anger, jealousy, and hate. I wanted to banish any negative feelings that may have been festering inside of me because I knew they would keep me from what God had in store for me. Like always, I had to call on God to turn the negativity into positivity!

The life-draining energy it takes to be angry or jealous was the first thing that God brought to my attention. I asked myself..."is anybody or anything really worth me feeling as if my life is being sucked away?" An ounce of jealousy is like venom that can eat a person alive. Just a taste of me being consumed was all it took for me to vow to never be jealous of anyone again. No one was worth the energy, especially when I had no legit reason. God reminded me that He creates everyone with a special purpose. Although some may choose not to fulfill their purpose, everyone still has their own purpose...which means that my purpose, is MY purpose! Therefore being jealous of anyone else is a ridiculous waste of time. Jealousy is the root of hatred, so as soon as my feelings of jealousy disappeared (which seemed to happen overnight) all the hatred that I had felt disappeared as well. God showed me that hate is a poison that hardens the heart which makes the act of true love impossible. A hardened heart can neither give, nor receive love. This I will never forget because I want nothing more than to love and be loved in return.

Forgiveness is the key and the first step to heartmake. It's the hardest step but once it's taken, the others easily follow. God is in the forgiving business! Since we deal with imperfect human beings who have the potential to break our hearts, we need to be in the forgiving business too. I will tell you from experience...once forgiveness becomes easy, you will take on a whole new level of maturity and be FREE!

Through her sorrow...

I've been feeling a little uninspired for the past few days, so I prayed and asked God to inspire me with something to write. Let's just say it didn't take long for Him to answer my prayer. I visited a website about two children I work with who have a condition called Sanfilippo. I cried like a baby when reading the words of this strong and admirable woman. Knowing and being able to work with these children is truly a blessing but the insight that their mother gave through her writing was incredible. I cannot imagine exactly what her life is like from day to day and I cannot even come close to grasping how it would be to have children with this disease. But as I read about what she was going through, my heart began to ache and I realized that this woman's life is the epitome of what I consider to be heartmake. While reading her journal entries, extreme sadness and compassion were my initial emotions. At first, I felt really sorry for her but as I continued to read I realized that this lady has an incredible heart and faith that is AMAZING! I went from feeling pity, to being in complete awe. Only by the power of God can someone in her situation have so much hope. It inspires me to know that someone who has been dealt such a difficult hand, can turn it around to give God praise and be a blessing to other people. Through her sorrow she is being made into a magnificent human being, all because of her love for God. And her sorrow has made my heart better as well. I can certainly admit that this woman's journal put things into perspective and made me count my many blessings. I would guess that the heartache which I have felt in my lil ol life is nothing in comparison to what she has faced (and is facing). I always say, no matter how difficult life seems to be, it can always be even more difficult...so be grateful! With God, a silver lining can always be found...no matter the situation. It's not our circumstances that define us, but how we deal with those circumstances that make us who we are. God knows what we can handle and what is too much for us to bare. Obviously, this woman is someone special because God chose her to be the mother of these wonderful children! God did not intend for them to be a punishment, but a gift and a blessing...and that's exactly what they are! I ask everyone who reads this to please keep this woman and her family in your prayers!

What more could I ask for?!?

God loved me before I even knew how to love myself...and that loved saved me. It pulled me out of a trench of darkness and kept me from endlessly falling. After experiencing such an act of love, how could one ever turn away?! Jealousy and hate I no longer know. And forgiveness and sacrifice have become my best friends. True love does not hurt but it heals the deepest wounds and scars. So many have a misconception about the meaning of real love but once God makes it known, nothing can be more clear. During heartache, take full advantage of being intimately close with God. He can do His best work on us when we're hurting (for whatever reason). And God can also provide comfort in an instant and not a moment too late. I'm not perfect...I don't have it all figured out. But I have God's love...and that's the only thing I truly need.

First...

In order to love God, we must love other people. Before we can love other people, we must love ourselves. Because I made so many poor decisions in the past, it was difficult for me to see my value. I carried around the shame and guilt that came along with being an unwed mother and the enemy tried very hard to convince me that I had made too many mistakes. God showed me otherwise. As long as I am breathing, I can choose to do things the right way. No sin is beyond forgiveness. In my opinion, too many young ladies settle for less than the best because they don't realize their self-worth. If we knew how valuable we are and how much God loves us, we would not allow ourselves to put up with some of the things we deal with in relationships. This goes for men and women alike. Discovering our value is the first step to self love. Then we will eventually be able to love other people. I'm not talking about the people who are nice to us and love us back...I'm talking about our enemies. The ones who may hate us and want to cause us the heartache and pain. When we can reach love at this level, we can take full of advantage of loving God and the love He has for us. It's no easy feat to love EVERYONE as you would love yourself, but accomplishing this task is one of the most liberating experiences ever. You're able to let things go and not allow yourself to get stressed out over foolishness...you're able to forgive and move on...you're able to open your heart to the ones who may need you...and most importantly...you're able to have an intimate relationship with the one who created you. What can be better than that?!

I Believe in Love~

Colors really are brighter!

My ability to touch and feel has been magnified.

I never knew the bark of a tree could feel so amazing...until I knew love.

The smell of a rose left me speechless and the sound of thunder, great wonder.

I was unaware of the obvious before I knew love.

The taste of an orange is like no other and the beauty of snow cannot be compared.

There's no mind great enough to create the four seasons...the transitions alone take away my breath.

Love awakened me!

I had no idea that I could not see...until I could.

The wisdom of love came easy, but believing in love...takes everything in me.

I Surrender

I'll be the first to say that I wore my heart on my sleeve in the past. Consequently, I've probably dealt with more heartache than most. And I know for a fact that I've put myself through a great deal of unnecessary pain. What can I say...I was a hopeless romantic! I would say that 75% of the heartache I've felt throughout my life, I didn't have to feel. But nevertheless, all that heartache was put to good use. I've had heartache when dealing with family members and friends as well. I've always been fairly sensitive and took everything to heart and I'm guessing there are other people who are the same as me. My "wake up call" was not my wake up call because I loved the guy who made the call. In fact, I didn't really love him at all (I honestly didn't know love at the time). I woke up because that relationship was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back. I was tired of all the failed attempts at love and making the wrong choices. I was ashamed at how much time I had wasted with the wrong people. Time is precious and once it's gone...it's gone! And although I learned something from each relationship and was made stronger from the demise of those relationships, I realized that I could no longer trust my own judgement. I made a conscience decision to go to God and ask Him to put me with who He created me to be with. And God made a promise to me that He would do just that...when I was ready. It's not always easy to be patient and there are times when I doubt that God will even fulfill His promise. But then I remember all the hurt that I've endured and know that taking matters into my own hands will fail miserably. God doesn't make mistakes and when He has created a man or woman just for you, then that person is for you. The problem is, we humans choose who we want to be with based on lust or other unreliable qualities instead of letting God choose...the result is always heartache. We should go to Him and ask Him to join us with who He has for us. It's the more difficult thing to do but it's certainly worth it in the long run (and it's less painful)!

My Wake Up Call...Part 2

I had been waiting for the "end of the end" for quite some time. Although I was pregnant, My relationship had ended months prior because of certain things which had transpired but I continued to hold on a little too long. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ended a relationship but then let it linger on hoping that "this time it might be different." I knew without a doubt that my relationship needed to be finished for good but the fact that I was pregnant caused me to yield and convince myself that the situation would work itself out. It was certainly devastating to hear those eight words, but at the same time those eight words saved me. In the blink of an eye, a gigantic weight was lifted off of me...I was free! I was free from making excuses for being in an unhealthy relationship...free from the thoughts of what "might" be...free from the torment of settling for unhappiness. After I hung up the phone (without a fight) I felt a million different emotions all at the same time but the greatest thing that I felt was closure. It seemed I had hit rock bottom but I was aware that the only place left for me to go was up, and that awareness kept me sane. At the time, I had no one to call, nowhere to escape, and since I was pregnant, I couldn't just smoke a pack of cigarettes or drink my problems away with alcohol. There was absolutely nothing I could do to pacify the pain...except pray.

I guess a small part of me felt rejection but that was the least of my problems. What hurt me more than anything was me. I couldn't believe how my life was playing out and I blamed myself for everything. The thought of my circumstances brought me more sorrow than the thought of being rejected. A relationship with that particular person was not what I truly wanted but I couldn't even fathom the idea that anybody worth having would want me and my circumstances OR that I could actually raise three children by myself. What frightened me more than anything was being alone...forever! I must say that God had me right where He needed me to be...broken-hearted, alone, and with nowhere else to turn. Little did I know, God was about to take me on a journey that would teach me that...1. I would never be alone, and 2. He wants the best for me so I should never settle for less.

My Wake Up Call...Part 1

My discerning nature told me it was "him" on the other end of the phone when it unexpectedly rang. Waiting desperately by the phone to see his name and number pop up on the caller ID had become my most frequent pastime which seemed like cruel and unusual punishment. "Hello?"...from the first words spoken and the tone of his voice, I somehow knew it was the end of the end. It was the conversation I had spent months trying to avoid. I poured so much time, effort, and energy trying to protect myself from the very words which would be spoken. In a split second I realized those words were about to come like the running water from a waterfall with no chance of being reversed. My heart quickly journeyed to the pit of my stomach with the news that something bad was about to happen. In return, my stomach immediately began to churn with whirlwind speed. Once my heart found it's way back to my chest, it proceeded to pound profusely as if sounding the alarm that danger was near. Each beat felt like a punch to the chest from a heavy weight fighter and I was left taking deep breaths but not getting enough air to let breathing be successful. I had no choice but to brace myself and face the inevitable...

"I don't love you anymore...I love her." That was all it took...those eight words, which seemed harmless when spoken individually, were said together to convey a message that meant devastation for me. Since I was 7 months pregnant with my third child, those words meant that I would have three children, by three different men, and would still be alone. That was a reality which I was NOT ready to face. But I had no choice. Those eight words immediately caused the churning in my stomach to cease and the pounding of my heart to stop. Though my heart was still present, it was shattered into pieces and in no condition to perform the act of beating me in my chest. When the physical activity that was taking place within my body came to a halt, numbness enveloped me. During the few minutes in which my body was in a numb state, I imagined it was being filled with water...like a gigantic pot being filled with water under the steady stream of water from a faucet. When there was no more room left to hold the constant flow of water which was filling me up, it began to flow at record speed from my eyes in the form of tears. The end of the end had arrived.

The Purpose

I once found myself on the ground...on my knees...with the unbearable pain of a broken heart. It was the PERFECT place for me to be at the time because I was experiencing heartache at it's finest. The pain forced me to throw in the towel and hand it over to God...I didn't see any other option. There are many people who know exactly how devastating a broken heart can be. However, heartbreak is one of the best things that has happened to me. A broken heart is what caused me to find the one thing that I was searching for...love! For God is love! The journey of love is one that lasts our whole lives. I constantly have to put forth the effort to love myself, other people, and most importantly, God.

I'm not an expert on how to prevent a broken heart but I believe that the heartache that I've endured and survived gives me all the credibility that I need to share my mind, heart, and soul with other's. It's NOT easy to let people in and show your vulnerabilities but I feel inspired to share my life...my trials...my lessons...and my unspeakable joy which has resulted from my discovery of TRUE love.

*Note: Although heartache can come in many forms and for many reasons, In this blog I will mainly be sharing my personal thoughts, opinions, and experiences concerning love and heartache when dealing with relationships. I should also say that I speak only for myself and not for all women.